Clarity

I want a new dog. A black teacup poodle and I’m going to name her Oprah. I love Oprah. I mean I really love her. I am currently obsessed with her Sunday Soul Series on the OWN channel, and cannot think of anything specific that brought me to type this entry this morning, other than every time I watch her station, I feel like I am reconnecting with myself. Yes, I am a cliché. I am her target audience, and what in the hell is wrong with it, huh? Clearly I am a bit defensive here.

This past year has been hairy for me. I think I forgot who I was. Am. I have been apologizing for everything; for existing, really. I was looking to friends and lovers (yeah, it’s plural) to define me, to tell me that I’m okay or that I will be okay. Well fuck, I know who I am. I have been through some difficult times, and I have had to pick myself up by my bootstraps. Not my friends, not my boyfriends or husband. Me. Oprah sort of reminds me of this.

Now, some people may tell me (and some friends actually have) to take it to God, go to church, seek Him, find it in the Bible. As if finding something that speaks to me through any other outlet besides church is somehow blasphemy. If I weren’t so insulted, I would laugh hysterically, for many reasons. Generally these people have no concept of my beliefs or religious study, and frankly tend to be people who are new in their faith. I truly love this for them. Life is difficult, we all are just trying to get through it with the tools we have available to each of us. For me personally, I believe God speaks to us in our own language. Or in this case, through Oprah, who just happens to speak my language.

I use this example because I have a particular friend that seems to correct me every chance she gets about being grateful. Make sure I thank God. Ummm….OK, thanks, mom (?). I almost mentioned a recent breakthrough I truly felt, to my friend this morning, but I couldn’t stand to be corrected.

I recently ended a relationship because I finally realized that although I love this person, mentally and emotionally, I would be dragging this person through our journey together, everytime. I didn’t feel as though I could consistently give that kind energy to it. I still love this person, but have basically felt stunted – or that I would always be catching said person up to speed. Verbal communication patience is definitely not a strength Oprah gave me. I kid, I kid. Calm down.

I am not always good at explaining. Some of my best friends could easily attest to this. I have in fact, angered some friends because I say things regarding my feelings and when a friend cannot handle it, I have responded with “Sorry, but Take it or Leave it.” Being angry over my feelings does not change them, so I actually mean it. It took many years of therapy for me to deal with my thoughts, and accept my own feelings. Let me tell you, that shit is exhausting. Especially for someone like me. What I know is this; at the end of the day, I try and be incredibly tolerant, but I have boundaries and won’t apologize for them. If I kindly draw my line in the sand, I mean it. I have had to learn that it is usually a take it or leave it situation, when all is said and done. Boundaries should be respected, mutually. Or you just move on (this is where the leave it part comes in). A friend can accept those feelings or not. It really is as simple as it sounds. However, I have made a particular group of friends angry over this sentiment. Sigh.

Bringing me back around to my recent personal breakthrough – Clarity, if you will. Even a reminder, as it was something I already knew, but actually felt in my heart again. “Be clear in your intentions, and the universe will rise up to meet you,” -Oprah Winfrey. Damn, I love her. Have I mentioned that? Anyway, I really wanted to share this with my friend, but could not bring myself to do it, knowing I would likely be corrected. She would have missed the meaning and focused on the word “Universe” and how it should be “God” and how it was from Oprah, and therefore, likely closing her off from the intended message. Even typing this exhausts me a little. And considering writing is my preferred choice of any and all communication (I loathe phone conversations), one can imagine how conversing about this subject would throw me into a tailspin.

I have not been able to write in a year. Today, I felt the need to and the need to express my intentions clearly: I hope that God and the Universe and Oprah will help remind me to keep moving in the direction I clearly intend on going. I also hope that I can maintain the friendships I dearly love, while moving in said intended direction.

However, I am acutely aware that I, first and foremost, need to honor my own soul and if friendships are sacrificed by doing so, I will mourn the loss of them, and will always have love in my heart for them. But, we will all be just fine. Hopefully it will never come to that. Oh – and yeah, I used “hope” instead of “pray”. Go ahead and correct me, but you will have to get in line.

I fell in love with a young man on Venice Beach. He was sitting on his skateboard in front of a vintage typewriter, asking $6 for a poem on any subject. I gave him “Clarity” (again, looking everywhere for it, clearly) and he typed it out as I stood in front of him. It feels appropriate to add it here, as I have carried it with me for the past month. This took him about five minutes to type and I left with it, but went back to ask him to sign it, so was able to learn that his name is Jacob.

Clarity

It seems to
that I don’t
understand honest
clarity.

It’s not in those eyes.
Those iris swim
in opaque gel.

It’s not in those words
that get muddled
on their way
out.

It’s not in those hands
and certainly not
in the music that comes from
them.

But I seem to be doing just fine.
Dazed

like everyone else.

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